Thursday, September 28, 2006

Biologists Confirm: New Border Fence Will Also Protect Us From Jaguars

(*** Based on information from Michelle Malkin's Blog *****)

Although some environmental groups are protesting the building of the new fence along the United States and Mexican border, they were indeed able to confirm that it would probably protect Americans from jaguars.

Said Matt Skroch, a wildlife biologist and executive director of the
environmental non-profit group Sky Island Alliance in Tucson, Arizona.

"If they build it, we could really say goodbye to the future of jaguars in the United States," he added.

There has been some dispute among House Democrats if the War On Illegal Immigration has made or less or more safe from jaguars attacking our country.

Other biologists are concerned about some of the birds and how they would be affected by the 700 mile border fence. One environmentalist, who refused to be named, shared the following thought: "This (fence) could affect these poor birds very deeply and keep them out of our country. What are they supposed to do - fly?

RWD News will have updates as they become available.

Yet Another Claims To Have Fathered Anna Nicole's Child

The Hollywoood rumormill kicked into full gear recently when reports surfaced of yet one more man claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's child.

This has turned out to be quite a drama. Initially, photographer Larry Birkhead claimed that the child was indeed half his. Then, adding to the drama, Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer, Howard K. Stern, stepped forward claiming, "No, the child is half mine. Even though as a lawyer I normally claim one third."

However, in a latest twist of events, Heffer the Cow has shown up out of nowhere saying, "I don't know what these two homosapiens are talking about. I'm Beef and I'm what's for dinner. Anna Nicole and I go way back and we've always loved each other."

Hollywood is abuzz with the latest turn. Heffer will be appearing on Larry King Live this Friday.

Cupcake Trends Concern Teachers

Schools across the country are now banning a new evil: Cupcakes. In an effort to ban childhood obesity, more and more teachers are banning the tasty, sugary treats as a way of celebrating birthdays at school.

The obesity trend has many educators concerned. Commented one teacher, who declined to be identified, "My little fourth graders are getting so fat, it's almost at the point where I am no longer sexually attracted to them."

Other teachers are more vocal about the true problem of Birthday Cupcakes. "I only have so much time in a school day to fill your child's mind with the knowledge he or she needs. Cupcake time and birthday singing siphons away that time. In a typical day I have to teach good citizenship, religious tolerance, sexual tolerance, dealing with sexual anxiety, global warming, the evils or corporate dominance and - if I have time - reading and arithmetic."

RWD News will have updates as this issue develops.

7-11 Dumps Citgo. Venezuela Responds

Venezuela responded testily to the news that 7-11 stores nationwide will be dropping the use of CITGO gasoline.

Said a Venezuelan spokesman, "We defend out President Chavez's recent statements and find them to be factually accurate." Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez recently made headlines when he addressed the United Nations assembly and accused President Bush of being the devil. 

According to the New York Times, several university professors were consulted and concluded, "We can definitely see how President George Bush is the Devil himself."

As a further counter to the moves by 7-11, Venezuela today announced that it would no longer have a need for three-day old hot dogs. We used to think we could bring these in and feed them to our pigs, but now we've discovered that pigs, like Americans,  will pretty much eat anything.

7-11 officials had no comment.

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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Clinton Plan Had Pages Stuck Together

Tempers flared in Washington this week over Former President Clinton's assertion that he left the new administration a comprehensive plan for them to fight Bin Laden.

"We left it in the closet right next to the issues of Jugs and Big Asses," said one aid who declined to reveal his identity because he might run for president again next election.

"We had it all spelled out for them. Find Bin Laden. Kill Bin Laden. Blame the right wing conspiracy if he slipped away. Oops. I mean, we had a plan is all I'm saying. All they had to do was move the magazines, unstick them, and read the plan."

Secretary of State Rice has been adamant in her denial that any plan was left behind. However, she does concede that the plan documents could have been overlooked. "When we first checked the presidential bedroom, we were completely distracted by the big giant disco ball. "

The report, according to Clinton, had a plan for eliminating OBL, bringing world peace, resolving the Palestinian crisis, the secret of eternal youth, and a recipe for BBQ Chicken Wings.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Pope is Not Infallible

Former singer Cat Stevens today issued a statement saying that the recent scandal with the Pope indicates that he is not by any means infallible.
Said Cat, whose nickname is Wolfy, "This goes to show you that Mr. Pope can indeed make a mistake. Islam by no means was spread by the sword. Sure, we can get violent at times, but that's only when we're defending ourselves from deadly invaders such as the US Marines or waitresses at the World Trade Center."
Cat recently performed at the Kill Them All demonstration where thousands protested the drawing of Mohammed cartoons, the statements by the Pope, and the existence of Israel.
Now known as Yusuf Islam, Cat Stevens performed his hit song Copacabana.

New Report: Great Satan Not Defeated!

In a stunning setback to the Al Queda network, a new report by their internal departments indicate that the war against the Great Satan has only escalated.

“It was one of those Bin Laden myths that something like this would work,” said an Al Queda operative who insisted on being identified as Mohammed X.

This report is causing an uproar among the Al Queda intellectuals such as Osama Bin Laden and John F. Kerry (who served in Vietnam).

When asked for comment OBL had the following statement: “We apparently misjudged America. We figured that if we attacked them that this horrible Great Satan would somehow surrender. We are looking at our internal data reports to figure out what went wrong. By all rights, they should have thrown up their hands in surrender. At this point, we speculate that we grossly over counted the number of Democrats.”

Al Queda is currently analyzing all of its options including choosing easier targets such as women, children, and the Pope. Other options available include converting Islam into a religion of peace. Unfortunately, all attempts at this have lead to violent protests.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

CIA Announces New Tools in GWOT

Inspired by the latest news that Osama Bin Laden may be dead from typhoid, the CIA today announced a new program for dealing with terrorists.

A CIA Spokesman issued the following statement.

"We understand the key to capturing foreign terrorists is to have a strong
intelligence network. This is difficult for us since our intelligence gathering
is limited to eavesdropping at cafes, asking Israeli intelligence for
information, and surfing My Space. We felt a better approach was to
use the most powerful resources for exterminating these threats. At this point
we are looking at spreading typhoid, encouraging terrorists to eat spinach,
and investigating the benefits of atherosclerosis."

In other news, the CIA is no closer to finding the new head of the Al Queda network but sources speculate that he may indeed have bursitis.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Muslim Stress Leads to Special Help Line

Recent stress over papal comments on Islam has led to an increase in the number of reported cases of medical depression. The Imams have gathered together to create a special hotline just for those who feel the need to talk things through.

Hassad Hasain, who recently lost a sister to Shariah stoning, called the help line with great results. "At first I felt it unjust that my sister was put to death for being the victim of rape. After calling the hotline, I felt that I truly understood the cause of her death: The Jews."

The hotline is available 24 hours a day seven days a week. Special funding has been provided by the United Nations.

Daily Kos: What is the Blog thing you're talking about?

Blogger Markos Moulitsas today issued a statement regarding the pro-Chavez posts on his website.

Said the statement: "What is this blogging stuff you're talking about? I think I've heard of it somewhere, possibly during my work for Ned Lamont."

Markos has recently come under fire for his website and the crazy wack jobs who post there.

"I've double checked all the posted categories. I don't see any pro-Chavez material there. And I checked them all believe me - Bush Lied, Screw Bush, I hate Bush, Bush is a Bastard, Christians are the Devil, Bless the Blood Thirsty Muslims, Gay People are My Close Friends, Lieberman is Jewish so Tell Your Friends, and Pedophiles are People Too categories. I would certainly hate to be lumped in with a bunch of wackos."

Asked why somebody would suspect the Daily Kos of having a Pr0-Chavez bias, Markos commented :" I would probably blame Charles at Little Green Footballs. This definitely has the marks of the right wing crazies."

Hezbollah Victory Parade

The streets of Lebanon were awash today with youth celebrating the recent 'victory' of Hezbollah over the Israeli Defense Forces. In an interview with a Hezbollah representative, Mohammed El-Mohammed, RWD News obtained the following statement: "It is only by Allah's will and the total bravery of our fighting men, women and children, that we were able to score a decisive victory over those Jooooos."

In a completely separate incident, Mohammed el-Mohammed started a fight with a skinny little Jewish kid who proceeeded to wail on Mo's ass. Mo kept screaming: "Get him off me. Dear Allah, get him off me!!" Later, the Hezbollah representative held a press conference where he proudly proclaimed victory over the dirty little Jew.

Parades and celebrations will be going on all day through the Lebananon as many gather on the rooftops to see the passing parades. Unfortunately, many of the rooftops are currently only 12 inches off the ground.

Pope Remarks Lead to Decline of Muslim Attendance

In what came to the Vatican as a complete surprise, recent attendance figures show a stark decline in the number of Muslims attending Catholic mass.

Said a Vatican spokesman, who declined to be identified, "We were really taken aback by such figures. The Pope has always relied on the Muslim population to come hear the words of Christ."

Although no official reasons were cited, many speculate that the decline in attendance can be atributed to the Pope's recent public remarks where he quoted a Byzantine emperor where he said, "Islam is half as good at Scientology."

Several events are planned in interfaith gatherins. The Catholics will be going to church to light candles and pray; the Muslims will be going to their local mosques to stock up on weapons.