Friday, December 07, 2007


You know...

It wouldn't hurt me to use this site more often.

Just thinking out loud.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Iranian Religious Leader Talk Dirty

World leaders the world over have been encouraged by the straight talk (no pun intended) of former congressman Mark Foley. Today, Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini, spoke on the internet about masturbation and its appropriateness during the Holy Month Of Ramadan - a time of peace. Ramadan is a time where peaceful peace-loving Muslims gather peacefully to pray and honor their God. It ends each day with a family dinner and, on occassion, rioting.

Said Khameini, "If he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and
nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a harām
(forbidden) act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually
discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a haram
intentional breaking fasting."

Khameini is a religious figure who ia an auhority on such subjects as religious beliefs and masturbation. His followers affectionately refer to him as "the Spunk Monk."

Monday, October 02, 2006

GOP Public Statement: We never met the guy...

Today, GOP Senators and members of the house held a joint press conference stating: "We don't know anybody."

Due to recent scandals, most recently the one where GOP Rep Mark Foley was caught sending illicit emails to underage interns, many GOPers have established a policy of creating distance from each other.

At the press conference Senator John McCain said, "I've never met any of these people in my life and refuse to somehow be linked to any of them or their scandals. Heck, some of my best friends are Democrats so I really d0n't know what you're talking about. "

Bill Frist who declined to be photographed with any one else at the afternoon meeting had this statement: "If elected to office, we promise to work with the other side of the aisle as long as no other Republicans are sitting there either. If so, we have no knowledge of any of their actions and refuse to be associated with them."

A Republican member of the House of Representatives was also on hand at the press conference but wore a fake nose and glasses.

NMBLA Declares Support for GOP Rep Mark Foley

The National Man Boy Love Association today issued a statement declaring their support for embattled GOP Representative Mark Foley of Florida.

Said NMBLA spokesman Kuhmir Littleboy, “Although usually we try to cast our support in favor of Democrats and homosexuals, we felt the cause was worthy and we should come out in favor of flirting with sixteen year old boys.”

The ACLU has been silent on the issue of dirty emails, mostly because Rep Foley is neither Black nor Muslim. However, NMBLA has been quite vocal on their opinion.

“We have always supported the notion of grown men sleeping with children. Normally we proclaim this message at local Gay Pride Parades, but we feel it’s never a wrong time to speak up, just as there’s never a wrong time to hump young boys.”

GOP Rep Foley, who tendered his resignation, had the following statement: “I have no comment on this statement of support from NMBLA. By the way – what were they wearing?”

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Biologists Confirm: New Border Fence Will Also Protect Us From Jaguars

(*** Based on information from Michelle Malkin's Blog *****)

Although some environmental groups are protesting the building of the new fence along the United States and Mexican border, they were indeed able to confirm that it would probably protect Americans from jaguars.

Said Matt Skroch, a wildlife biologist and executive director of the
environmental non-profit group Sky Island Alliance in Tucson, Arizona.

"If they build it, we could really say goodbye to the future of jaguars in the United States," he added.

There has been some dispute among House Democrats if the War On Illegal Immigration has made or less or more safe from jaguars attacking our country.

Other biologists are concerned about some of the birds and how they would be affected by the 700 mile border fence. One environmentalist, who refused to be named, shared the following thought: "This (fence) could affect these poor birds very deeply and keep them out of our country. What are they supposed to do - fly?

RWD News will have updates as they become available.

Yet Another Claims To Have Fathered Anna Nicole's Child

The Hollywoood rumormill kicked into full gear recently when reports surfaced of yet one more man claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's child.

This has turned out to be quite a drama. Initially, photographer Larry Birkhead claimed that the child was indeed half his. Then, adding to the drama, Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer, Howard K. Stern, stepped forward claiming, "No, the child is half mine. Even though as a lawyer I normally claim one third."

However, in a latest twist of events, Heffer the Cow has shown up out of nowhere saying, "I don't know what these two homosapiens are talking about. I'm Beef and I'm what's for dinner. Anna Nicole and I go way back and we've always loved each other."

Hollywood is abuzz with the latest turn. Heffer will be appearing on Larry King Live this Friday.

Cupcake Trends Concern Teachers

Schools across the country are now banning a new evil: Cupcakes. In an effort to ban childhood obesity, more and more teachers are banning the tasty, sugary treats as a way of celebrating birthdays at school.

The obesity trend has many educators concerned. Commented one teacher, who declined to be identified, "My little fourth graders are getting so fat, it's almost at the point where I am no longer sexually attracted to them."

Other teachers are more vocal about the true problem of Birthday Cupcakes. "I only have so much time in a school day to fill your child's mind with the knowledge he or she needs. Cupcake time and birthday singing siphons away that time. In a typical day I have to teach good citizenship, religious tolerance, sexual tolerance, dealing with sexual anxiety, global warming, the evils or corporate dominance and - if I have time - reading and arithmetic."

RWD News will have updates as this issue develops.

7-11 Dumps Citgo. Venezuela Responds

Venezuela responded testily to the news that 7-11 stores nationwide will be dropping the use of CITGO gasoline.

Said a Venezuelan spokesman, "We defend out President Chavez's recent statements and find them to be factually accurate." Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez recently made headlines when he addressed the United Nations assembly and accused President Bush of being the devil. 

According to the New York Times, several university professors were consulted and concluded, "We can definitely see how President George Bush is the Devil himself."

As a further counter to the moves by 7-11, Venezuela today announced that it would no longer have a need for three-day old hot dogs. We used to think we could bring these in and feed them to our pigs, but now we've discovered that pigs, like Americans,  will pretty much eat anything.

7-11 officials had no comment.

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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Clinton Plan Had Pages Stuck Together

Tempers flared in Washington this week over Former President Clinton's assertion that he left the new administration a comprehensive plan for them to fight Bin Laden.

"We left it in the closet right next to the issues of Jugs and Big Asses," said one aid who declined to reveal his identity because he might run for president again next election.

"We had it all spelled out for them. Find Bin Laden. Kill Bin Laden. Blame the right wing conspiracy if he slipped away. Oops. I mean, we had a plan is all I'm saying. All they had to do was move the magazines, unstick them, and read the plan."

Secretary of State Rice has been adamant in her denial that any plan was left behind. However, she does concede that the plan documents could have been overlooked. "When we first checked the presidential bedroom, we were completely distracted by the big giant disco ball. "

The report, according to Clinton, had a plan for eliminating OBL, bringing world peace, resolving the Palestinian crisis, the secret of eternal youth, and a recipe for BBQ Chicken Wings.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Pope is Not Infallible

Former singer Cat Stevens today issued a statement saying that the recent scandal with the Pope indicates that he is not by any means infallible.
Said Cat, whose nickname is Wolfy, "This goes to show you that Mr. Pope can indeed make a mistake. Islam by no means was spread by the sword. Sure, we can get violent at times, but that's only when we're defending ourselves from deadly invaders such as the US Marines or waitresses at the World Trade Center."
Cat recently performed at the Kill Them All demonstration where thousands protested the drawing of Mohammed cartoons, the statements by the Pope, and the existence of Israel.
Now known as Yusuf Islam, Cat Stevens performed his hit song Copacabana.

New Report: Great Satan Not Defeated!

In a stunning setback to the Al Queda network, a new report by their internal departments indicate that the war against the Great Satan has only escalated.

“It was one of those Bin Laden myths that something like this would work,” said an Al Queda operative who insisted on being identified as Mohammed X.

This report is causing an uproar among the Al Queda intellectuals such as Osama Bin Laden and John F. Kerry (who served in Vietnam).

When asked for comment OBL had the following statement: “We apparently misjudged America. We figured that if we attacked them that this horrible Great Satan would somehow surrender. We are looking at our internal data reports to figure out what went wrong. By all rights, they should have thrown up their hands in surrender. At this point, we speculate that we grossly over counted the number of Democrats.”

Al Queda is currently analyzing all of its options including choosing easier targets such as women, children, and the Pope. Other options available include converting Islam into a religion of peace. Unfortunately, all attempts at this have lead to violent protests.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

CIA Announces New Tools in GWOT

Inspired by the latest news that Osama Bin Laden may be dead from typhoid, the CIA today announced a new program for dealing with terrorists.

A CIA Spokesman issued the following statement.

"We understand the key to capturing foreign terrorists is to have a strong
intelligence network. This is difficult for us since our intelligence gathering
is limited to eavesdropping at cafes, asking Israeli intelligence for
information, and surfing My Space. We felt a better approach was to
use the most powerful resources for exterminating these threats. At this point
we are looking at spreading typhoid, encouraging terrorists to eat spinach,
and investigating the benefits of atherosclerosis."

In other news, the CIA is no closer to finding the new head of the Al Queda network but sources speculate that he may indeed have bursitis.